Leaning Into It

My mother had a brain variation like that of Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't like the word "disorder" because of what it means in our culture and society. The word "Dis-order", though, does make sense to use because it makes me feel upheaved, and in turmoil. People just don't use it correctly. And people don't think about how there are different spectrums of this brain variation, spectrums upon spectrums, etc. 

Definitions of "Disorder"-

a state of confusion.
"tiresome days of mess and disorder"
synonyms: untidiness, disorderliness, mess, disarray, chaos, confusion; More
antonyms: tidiness

the disruption of peaceful and law-abiding behavior.
"recurrent food crises led to periodic outbreaks of disorder"
synonyms: unrest, disturbance, disruption, upheaval, turmoil, mayhem,pandemonium; More
antonyms: order, peace

MEDICINE
a disruption of normal physical or mental functions; a disease or abnormal condition.
plural noun: disorders
"eating disorders"
synonyms: disease, infection, complaint, condition, affliction, malady,sickness, illness, ailment, infirmity, irregularity
"a blood disorder"

The medicinal definition is SILLY. If having this brain variation is a disruption of normal physical functions, we would have to assume that there is a type of brain that is "normal". Every brain is so different. We just know that the majority of brains are not like this, but I wouldn't say there is a "normal" brain by which all other brains are measured. THERE IS NOT. It's easier to get along in society if your brain is not like my brain. BUT, every human has a similar mechanism of how their joints and muscles work, so I could see using the word "disorder" when describing a variation of muscle disorder. 

My brain variation has been causing me to feel disordered for as long as I can remember, however, it has gotten worse as I have gotten older and now sometimes I can't function. I can't take care of myself or my surroundings and I am gripped in the iron maiden of depression so tightly I can't breathe. 

I'm looking for help. I know that yoga helps me, and so does eating well, and I'm sure having a therapist would be a good idea. I haven't been doing these things due to time and $ and brain limitations. Expressing, coloring, walking, making music are things that help, but when I'm in Brain Pain I can't. I just can't. Maybe this blog will help? My brain can catalog what is happening and track it. I can document some of my brain connections. I can explore this categorization of my brain variation that humans have called 'Borderline Personality' (disorder :) ).