Leaning Into It

My mother had a brain variation like that of Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't like the word "disorder" because of what it means in our culture and society. The word "Dis-order", though, does make sense to use because it makes me feel upheaved, and in turmoil. People just don't use it correctly. And people don't think about how there are different spectrums of this brain variation, spectrums upon spectrums, etc. 

Definitions of "Disorder"-

a state of confusion.
"tiresome days of mess and disorder"
synonyms: untidiness, disorderliness, mess, disarray, chaos, confusion; More
antonyms: tidiness

the disruption of peaceful and law-abiding behavior.
"recurrent food crises led to periodic outbreaks of disorder"
synonyms: unrest, disturbance, disruption, upheaval, turmoil, mayhem,pandemonium; More
antonyms: order, peace

MEDICINE
a disruption of normal physical or mental functions; a disease or abnormal condition.
plural noun: disorders
"eating disorders"
synonyms: disease, infection, complaint, condition, affliction, malady,sickness, illness, ailment, infirmity, irregularity
"a blood disorder"

The medicinal definition is SILLY. If having this brain variation is a disruption of normal physical functions, we would have to assume that there is a type of brain that is "normal". Every brain is so different. We just know that the majority of brains are not like this, but I wouldn't say there is a "normal" brain by which all other brains are measured. THERE IS NOT. It's easier to get along in society if your brain is not like my brain. BUT, every human has a similar mechanism of how their joints and muscles work, so I could see using the word "disorder" when describing a variation of muscle disorder. 

My brain variation has been causing me to feel disordered for as long as I can remember, however, it has gotten worse as I have gotten older and now sometimes I can't function. I can't take care of myself or my surroundings and I am gripped in the iron maiden of depression so tightly I can't breathe. 

I'm looking for help. I know that yoga helps me, and so does eating well, and I'm sure having a therapist would be a good idea. I haven't been doing these things due to time and $ and brain limitations. Expressing, coloring, walking, making music are things that help, but when I'm in Brain Pain I can't. I just can't. Maybe this blog will help? My brain can catalog what is happening and track it. I can document some of my brain connections. I can explore this categorization of my brain variation that humans have called 'Borderline Personality' (disorder :) ).

Night of the Living Tribute Bands

This is me singing lead vocals in the Bangles tribute band for  annual Night of the Living Tribute band event at the Capitol Theater on Halloween!

I knew already that I loved singing in a band, but I think that I discovered through  this process that it might be my favorite way to express my singing self. 

photo of the day: Dramatic Rose

magical tea blend of the day: Clarity

This simple blend is sure to clear the cob webs in your brain and help you feel and see like crystal.

1 pinch of each herb (click on their names for descriptions of their powers):
Red Clover
Rosemary
Peppermint

I Need More Allowance

The summers of 2008, 2009 and 2010 I worked at a film camp for kids teaching them how to make movies from start to finish. We did help them make movies but really we just used them to make our own stuff. Heh heh. Here's a music video I made with some awesome kids to the song I Need More Allowance by the Beets from the cartoon Doug.

photo of the day: Ashlee's Summer Thigh 2010

photograph of the day: My Mama

This is my mother, Marcila Rene Ames, in 1987.  I was 3 years old. This was from a photoshoot by Shape Magazine, featuring her as a ballet dancer/model for an article on easy ballet steps to tone your body.  I was there. I remember it. I had a blue leotard on, pink tights, pink tutu and slippers. The cover photo for the article is me hugging her legs from the thigh down, feet on pointe'.
In an angsty argument we had when I was 20, she reminded me of the cover photo, of how tightly I was holding her legs, how tightly I used to cling to her. I didn't have a good reply then, I think I said, "well I was 3." and I think she cried when I said that. I didn't understand, and I was numb, and a selfish 20 year old. Wish I could cling to her now, and tell her that I get it now. I love you mama, I miss you. Happy mama's day.